Get back to the library. Keep your unit out of it.
# I wanna be an airborne ranger #
#I wanna be an airborne ranger #
- That son of a bitch. - # Before the day I die #
#There's five things I want to ride #
# Bicycle, tricycle automobile #
# Virgin's mother and a Ferris wheel #
# I wanna be an airborne ranger #
##[Continues, Indistinct] [Panting]
[Ball Bouncing]
[Yelling] Three...
two, one.!
[Yells]
Bender! Bender! What is this?
What are you doing here? What is this? Hi.
Out. That's it, Bender. Out. It's over.
Don't you want to hear my excuse? Out.
I'm thinking of trying out for a scholarship.
Give me the ball, Bender. Give me that ball.
Get your stuff. Let's go.
Mr. Wise Guy here's taken upon himself to go to the gymnasium.
I'm sorry to inform you, you're going to be without his services the rest of the day.
B-O-O H-O-O.
Everything's a big joke, huh, Bender? The false alarm you pulled Friday...
False alarms are really funny, aren't they?
What if your home... What if your family...
What if your dope was on fire?
Impossible, sir. It's in Johnson's underwear.
[Chuckles] You think he's funny?
You think this is cute? You think he's bitchin'? Is that it?
Let me tell you something. Look at him.
He's a bum.
You want to see something funny? You go visitJohn Bender in five years.
You'll see how goddamn funny he is.
What's the matter, John? You going to cry?
Let's go. Keep your fuckin' hands off me!
I expect better manners from you, Dick.
For better hallway vision.
That's the last time, Bender.
That's the last time you ever make me look bad in front of those kids. You hear me?
I make $31,000 a year, and I've got a home.
And I'm not about to throw it away on some punk like you.
But someday, man, someday...
when you're outta here and you've forgotten all about this place...
and they've forgotten about you, and you're wrapped up in your own pathetic life...
I'm gonna be there.
That's right. And I'm gonna kick the livin' shit out of you.
I'm gonna knock your dick in the dirt.
- You threatening me? - What are you going to do about it?
You think anybody's gonna believe you?
You think anybody is gonna take your word over mine?
I'm a man of respect around here. They love me around here.
I'm a swell guy. You're a lying sack of shit, and everybody knows it.
You're a real tough guy. Hey, hey. Come on.
Get on your feet, pal! Let's find out how tough you are.
I wanna know, right now, how tough you are. Come on.
I'll give you the first punch. Let's go. Come on. Right here.
Just take the first shot. Please. I'm begging you. Take a shot. Right here.
Just take one shot. That's all I need.
Just one swing.
That's what I thought.
You're a gutless turd.
[Door Closes]
A naked blond walks into a bar...
with a poodle under one arm...
and a two-foot salami under the other.
She lays the poodle on the table.
Bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink."
Naked lady says... Oh, shit!
[Vernon] Jesus Christ Almighty.!
Forgot my pencil.
[Vernon] Goddamn it.!
What in God's name is going on in here?
- What was that ruckus? - What ruckus?
I was in my office, and I heard a ruckus.
Could you describe the ruckus, sir.
- Watch your tongue, young man. Watch it. - [Groans]
- [Mr. Vernon] What is this? - [Zipping Sound]
- What is that? What-What... What is that noise? - [Andrew] What noise?
[Claire] Really sir, there wasn't any noise.
- [Gasping] - Ow!
[Exaggerated Sneeze]
- [All Coughing] - [Cries Out]
- [Coughing] - [Coughing]
That noise? Was that the noise you were talking about?
No, it wasn't. That was not the noise I was talking about.
Now, I may not have caught you in the act this time, but you can bet I will.
[Laughs]
You make book on that, missy.
And you! I will not be made a fool of.
[Laughing]
It was an accident. You're an asshole.
Sue me.
So, Ahab, can I have all my doobage?
[Zipping Sound]
Yo, wastoid. You're not gonna blaze up in here.
[Clearing Throat]
- [Mouthing Words] - [Mouthing Words]
[Zips Up Zipper]
[Sighs] Shit!
[Sniffles]
[Chortles]
[Coughs]
[Claire Giggling]
Chicks cannot hold their smoke. That's what it is.
Do you know how popular I am?
I am so popular. Everybody loves me so much at this school.
[Brian] Poor baby. [Laughs]
[Brian Coughs, Laughs]
Five.
[Claire Laughs]
Whoo! [Yells]
[Laughing]
[Whistles]
[Grunts, Yells]
Whoo! [Brian Whistles]
[Brian And Claire Laughing] Ow!
[Yells]
[Brian Whistles]
[Yells]
[Claire, Indistinct]
Mr... Oh, Mr. Tierney.
A history of slight mental illness. [Chuckles]
No wonder he's so fucked up. Afternoon, Dick.
[Chuckles] Good. Hey, Carl. How you doing? Good. What's up?
Not much. What's happening? What are you doing in the basement files?
Oh, nothing. Nothing here. Just doing a little homework.
Homework, huh? Yeah.
Confidential files, huh?
Look, Carl. This is a highly sensitive area, and I tell you something.
Certain people would be very, very embarrassed.
I would really appreciate it if-if this would be something...
that you and I could... could keep between us.
What are you gonna do for me, man? What would you like?
Got 50 bucks? What?
Fifty bucks.
[Both Laughing]
No, no, no, man. No, you got a middle name?
[Coughs] Yeah, I guess.
Your middle name is Ralph, as in puke.
Your birthday, it's March 12. You're 5'91/2".
You weigh 130 pounds.
And your social security number is...
049-38-0913.
[Snickers]
Wow. Are you a psychic?
No.
Would you mind telling me how you know all this about me?
I stole your wallet. Give it to me.
No. Give it.!
[Scoffs] This is great. You're a thief too, huh?
I'm not a thief. Multitalented.
What's there to steal? Two bucks and a beaver shot. A what?
He's got a nudie picture in there. I saw it. It's perverted.
All right. Let's see it.
- Are all these your girlfriends? - Some of'em.
What about the others?
Well, some I consider my girlfriends, and some I just consider.
Consider what?
Whether or not I wanna hang out with them.
You don't believe in just one guy, one girl?
- Do you? - Yeah.
- It's the way it should be. - Well, not for me.
Why not?
How come you got so much shit in your purse?
- How come you have so many girlfriends? - I asked you first.
I don't know. I guess I never threw anything away.
- Neither do I. - Oh.
This is the worst fake I.D. I've ever seen. [Chuckles]
Do you realize you made yourself 68?
[Brian] I know. I know. I goofed it.
What do you need a fake I.D. For?
So I can vote.
You wanna see what's in my bag?
[Both] No.
Holy shit!
What is all that stuff?
Do you always carry this much shit in your bag?
Yeah.
I always carry this much shit in my bag.
You never know when you may have to jam.
Are you gonna be, like, a shopping bag lady?
You know, like, sit in alley ways...
and talk to buildings and wear men's shoes and that kind of thing?
I'll do what I have to do.
Why do you have to do anything?
My home life... is unsatisfying.
So you're saying you'd subject yourself to the violent dangers...
of these Chicago streets because your home life is unsatisfying?
I don't have to run away and live in the street.
I can run away and go to the ocean.
I can go to the country, to the mountains.
I could go to Israel, Africa... Afghanistan.
Andy, wanna get in on this?
Allison here says she wants to run away...
because her home life is unsatisfying.
Well, everyone's home life is unsatisfying.
And if it wasn't, people would live with their parents forever.
Yeah, yeah, I understand, but I think hers goes beyond...
what, you know, guys like you and me consider normal unsatisfying.
Never mind. Forget it. Everything's cool.
- What's the deal? - No.
There's no deal, sporto.
Forget it. Leave me alone. Wait a minute.
You're carrying all that crap around in your purse.
Either you really wanna run away, or you want people to think you wanna run away.
Eat shit!
The girl is an island unto herself, okay?
Hi.
You wanna talk? No.
Why not? Go away.
Where do you want me to go? Go away!
- You have problems. - Oh, I have problems.
You do everything everybody tells you to do. That is a problem.
Okay, fine. But I didn't dump my purse out on the couch...
and invite people into my problems, did I?
So what's wrong?
What is it?
[Sighs] Is it bad?
Real bad?
Parents?
Yeah.
What did they do to you?
They ignore me.
Yeah.
What did you wanna be when you were young?
When I was a kid, I wanted to beJohn Lennon.
Carl, don't be a goof.
I'm trying to make a serious point here.
Carl, I've been teaching for 22 years.
And each year, these kids get more and more arrogant.
Oh, bullshit, man. Come on, Vern.
- The kids haven't changed, you have. - [Sighs]
You took a teaching position 'cause you thought it'd be fun, right?
Thought you could have summer vacations off.
And then you found out it was actually work. That really bummed you out.
These kids turned on me.
They think I'm a big fucking joke. Come on.
Listen, Vern. If you were 16, what would you think of you?
Hey, Carl, you think I give one rat's ass what these kids think of me?
Yes, I do.
You think about this. When you get old, these kids...
when I get old... they're gonna be running the country.
[Chuckles] Yeah.
Now this is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night.
When I get older, these kids are gonna take care of me.
I wouldn't count on it.
What would I do for a million bucks?
I guess I'd do as little as I had to.
That's boring. Well, how am I supposed to answer?
The idea is to, like, search your mind for the absolute limit.
Like, um... would you drive to school naked?
[Chuckles]
Um... would I have to get out of the car?
- Of course. - In the spring or winter?
[Claire] Doesn't matter. Spring.
[Andy] In front of the school or in back of the school?
- Either one. - Yes.
I'd do that.
I'll do anything sexual. I don't need a million dollars to do it either.
- You're lying. - I already have.
I've done just about everything there is, except a few things that are illegal.
- I'm a nymphomaniac. - Lie.
Are your parents aware of this?
The only person I told was my shrink.
What did he do when you told him?
He nailed me.
Very nice.
I don't think that from a legal standpoint...
what he did can be construed as rape since I paid him.
- He's an adult. - Yeah. He's married too.
Oh! Do you have any idea how completely gross that is?
Well, the first few times... The first few times?
You mean, he did it more than once? Sure.
Are you crazy? Obviously she's crazy if she's screwing her shrink.
Have you ever done it?
[Scoffs] I don't even have a psychiatrist.
Have you ever done it with a normal person?
- Didn't we already cover this? - You never answered the question.
Look. I'm not going to discuss my private life with total strangers.
It's kind of a double-edged sword, isn't it?
A what? If you say you haven't, you're a prude.
If you say you have, you're a slut. It's a trap.
You want to, but you can't.
And when you do, you wish you didn't, right? Wrong.
Or are you a tease?
She's a tease. I'm sure. Why don't you forget it?
You're a tease and you know it. All girls are teases.
- She's only a tease if what she does gets you hot. - I don't do anything!
- That's why you're a tease. - Okay, let me ask you a few questions.
I already told you everything. No.
Doesn't it bother you to sleep around without being in love? Don't you want respect?
I don't screw to get respect.
That's the difference between you and me.
[Scoffs] It's not the only difference I hope.
[Bender] Face it, you're a tease. I'm not a tease.
Sure you are. Sex is your weapon.
You said it yourself. You use it to get respect.
No, I never said that. She twisted my words around.
- What do you use it for then? - I don't use it, period!
Are you medically frigid or is it psychological?
I didn't mean it that way. You guys are putting words into my mouth.
- Just answer the question. - [Brian] Why don't you just answer the question?
Be honest. No big deal. Yeah, answer it.
- Just answer the question. - Talk to us. - Answer the question.!
Don't be a jerk.! It's easy. It's only one question.
No, I never did it!
I never did it either.
I'm not a nymphomaniac. I'm a compulsive liar.
You are such a bitch!
You did that on purpose just to fuck me over.!
I would do it though. If you love someone, it's okay.
[Claire] I can't believe you. You're so weird.
You don't say anything all day, and then when you open your mouth...
you unload all these tremendous lies all over me.
You're just pissed off because she got you to admit something you didn't want to admit to.
Okay, fine. But that doesn't make it any less bizarre.
What's bizarre? I mean, we're all pretty bizarre.
Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all.
How are you bizarre?
He can't think for himself.
She's right.
Do you guys know what, uh, what I did to get in here?
I taped Larry Lester's buns together.
- [Laughs] - That was you?
- Yeah. You know him? - Yeah, I know him.
Then you know how hairy he is, right?
When they pulled the tape off...
most of his hair came off and some skin too.
Oh, my God.
The bizarre thing is...
is that I did it for my old man.
I tortured this poor kid...
because I wanted him to think that I was cool.
He's always going off about, you know, when he was in school.
All the wild things he used to do.
And I got the feeling that he was disappointed that I never cut loose on anyone, right?
So, I'm sittin' in the locker room...
and I'm taping up my knee.
And Larry's undressing a couple lockers down from me.
And... he's kind of...
he's kind of skinny.
He's weak.
And I started thinking about my father...
and his attitude about... about weakness.
And the next thing I knew...
I jumped on top of him and started wailing on him.
And my friends, they just laughed and cheered me on.
And afterwards...
when I was sitting in Vernon's office...
all I could think about...
was Larry's father...
and Larry having to go home...
and... and explain what happened to him.
And... the humiliation...
fucking humiliation he must have felt.
It must have been unreal.
I mean, how do you apologize for something like that?
There's no way.
It's all because of me and my old man.
God, I fucking hate him.
He's like this... He's like this mindless machine that I can't relate to anymore.
Andrew.! You've got to be number one.!
I won't tolerate any losers in this family.
Your intensity is for shit! Win! Win! Win!
You son of a bitch.
You know sometimes I wish my knee would give...
then I wouldn't be able to wrestle anymore.
Then he could forget all about me.
I think your old man and my old man should get together and go bowling.
[Chuckles]
It's like me, you know, with my grades.
Like when l... when l... when I step outside myself.'...
and like when I look in at myself, you know.
And l... And I see me.
I don't like what I see.
I really don't.
What's wrong with you? Why don't you like yourself?
Sounds stupid, but...
because I'm failing shop.
We had this assignment, you know, to make this, like, ceramic elephant...
and we had eight weeks to do it.
And then, you know, we're supposed to... It was like a lamp.
And when, you know, when you pull it, the trunk, the light was supposed to go on.
But my light didn't go on.
I got an "F" on it.
I've never got an "F" in my life.
When I signed up, you know, for the course, I mean...
I thought I was playing it real smart, you know...
'cause I thought, you know, I'll take shop.
It'll be such an easy way to maintain my grade point average.
Why'd you think it'd be easy?
Have you seen some of the dopes that take shop?
I take shop. You must be a fuckin'idiot.
I'm a fuckin' idiot 'cause I can't make a lamp?
No, you're a genius 'cause you can't make a lamp.
What do you know about trigonometry?
I could care less about trigonometry.
Bender, did you know without trigonometry, there'd be no engineering?
Without lamps, there'd be no light.
Okay, so neither one of you is any better than the other one.
I can write with my toes.
I can also eat, brush my teeth...
With your feet?
- Play "Heart And Soul" on the piano. - I can make spaghetti.
What can you do?
I can, uh, tape all of your buns together.
I wanna see what Claire can do.
- I can't do anything. - Everybody can do something.
There's one thing I can do.
- No, forget it. It's way too embarrassing. - You ever seen Wild Kingdom?
That guy's been doing that show for 30 years.
Okay. But you have to swear to God you won't laugh.
[Scoffs]
Okay.
I can't believe I'm actually doing this.
[Applause] Yea.!
All right. That's great! Where'd you learn to do that?
Camp. Seventh grade.
[Slow Clapping]
That was great, Claire.
My image of you is totally blown.
You're a shit. Don't do that to her. You swore to God you wouldn't laugh.
- Am I laughing? - You fuckin' prick!
What do you care what I think anyway?
I don't even count, right?
I could disappear forever and it wouldn't make any difference.
I may as well not even exist at this school, remember?
And you... don't like me anyway.
You know, I have just as many feelings as you do...
and it hurts just as much when somebody steps all over them.
[Bender] God, you're so pathetic.
Don't you ever, ever compare yourself to me, okay?
You got everything, and I got shit.
Fuckin'Rapunzel, right?
School would probably shut down if you didn't show up.
Queenie isn't here.
I like those earrings, Claire. Shut up.
Are those real diamonds, Claire? Shut up!
I bet they are. Did you work for the money...
Shut your mouth! For those earrings?
Or did your daddy buy those for you? Shut up!
I bet he bought those for you.
I bet those were a Christmas gift, right?
You know what I got for Christmas this year?
It was a banner fucking year at the old Bender family. I got a carton of cigarettes.
The old man grabbed me and said, "Hey, smoke up, Johnny."
Okay, so go home and cry to your daddy. Don't cry here, okay?
[Claire Sniffling]
My God, are we gonna be like our parents?
Not me.
Ever.
It's unavoidable.
It just happens.
[Claire] What happens?
When you grow up, your heart dies.
- Who cares? - I care.
[Brian] Um, I was just thinking, I mean...
I know it's kind of a weird time, but I was just wondering, um...
what is going to happen to us on Monday...
when we're all together again?
I mean, I consider you guys my friends.
- I'm not wrong, am I? - No.
So... So on Monday, what happens?
Are we still friends, you mean?
- If we're friends now, that is. - Yeah.
- Do you want the truth? - Yeah, I want the truth.
[Sighs] I don't think so.
- With all of us or justJohn? - With all of you.
That's a real nice attitude, Claire. Oh, be honest, Andy.
If Brian came walking up to you in the hall on Monday, what would you do?
I mean, picture this. You're there with all the sports.
You know exactly what you'd do. You'd say hi to him, and when he left...
you'd cut him all up so your friends wouldn't think you really liked him.
- No way. - [Allison] Okay.
- What if I came up to you? - Same exact thing.
You are a bitch!
Why, 'cause I'm telling the truth? That makes me a bitch?
No, you know how shitty that is to do to someone.
And you don't got the balls to stand up to your friends...
and tell them you're gonna like who you wanna like.
Okay, what about you, you hypocrite?
Why don't you take Allison to one of your heavy metal vomit parties?
Or take Brian out to the parking lot at lunch to get high?
Or what about Andy for that matter? What about me?
What would your friends say if we were walking down the hall together?
They'd laugh their asses off, and you'd tell them you were doing it with me...
so they'd forgive you for being seen with me.
Don't you ever talk about my friends!
You don't know any of my friends you don't look at any of my friends...
and you certainly wouldn't condescend to speak to any of my friends...
so you just stick to the things you know...
shopping, nail polish, your father's BMW...
and your poor, rich, drunk mother in the Caribbean. Shut up!
As far as being concerned about what's gonna happen when you and I walk down the hallways...
you can forget it, 'cause it's never gonna happen.
Just bury your head in the sand and wait for your fuckin' prom!
I hate you! Yeah? Good.!
Okay, then I assume Allison and I are better people than you guys, huh?
Us weirdos.
Would you... Would you do that to me?
I don't have any friends.
- Well, if you did. - No.
I don't think the kind of friends I'd have would mind.
Well, I just wanna tell...
each of you that I wouldn't do that.
I wouldn't and I will not.
'Cause I think that's real shitty.
Your friends wouldn't mind because they look up to us.
You're so conceited, Claire.
You're so conceited.
You're so, like, full of yourself. Why are you like that?
I'm not saying that to be conceited.
I hate it. I hate having to go along with everything my friends say.
[Brian] Well, then why do you do it?
I don't know. I don't...
You don't understand. You don't...
You're not friends with the same kinds of people Andy and I are friends with.
You know, you just don't understand the pressure they can put on you.
I don't understand what?
You think I don't understand pressure, Claire?
Well, fuck you! Fuck you!
You know why I'm here today?
Do you?
[Sniffles] I'm here...
because Mr. Ryan... found a gun in my locker.
Why'd you have a gun in your locker?
I tried.
When you pull the fuckin'... trunk on it, the light's supposed to go on.
[Sniffles] It didn't go on.
- [Andy] What's the gun for, Brian? - Just forget it.
You brought it up, man.
I can't have an "F."
I can't have it, and I know my parents can't have it.
Even if I ace the rest of the semester, I'm still only a "B."
Everything's ruined for me.
Brian... What?
Considering my options, you know.
No, killing yourself is not an option.
Well, I didn't do it, did I? No, I don't think so.
It was a handgun?
[Exhales] No, it was a flare gun. It went off in my locker.
Really? [Laughs]
- It's not funny. - [Clears Throat, Chuckles]
[Chuckles] Yes, it is.
[Brian] Fuckin'elephant was destroyed.
You wanna know what I did to get in here?
Nothing.
I didn't have anything better to do.
[All Chuckling]
You're laughing at me.
No! Yeah, you are.
##[Rock]
## [Record Scratches, Rock Continues]
[Volume Increases]
# It seems so clear in black and white #
# The living color tends to dull our sight #
#Like dynamite #
#Just imagine my surprise when I looked into your eyes #
#And saw through your disguise #
#If we dare expose our hearts andjust reveal the purest thoughts #
# That's when strange sensations start to grow #
# Oh, we are not alone #
# You find out where you're coming from #
# There'll be somebody there to break your fall #
# We are not alone #
# 'Cause when you come down through the fold #
# We're really not so different after all ##
##[New Song]
Brian? Hmm.
Are you gonna write your paper? Yeah. Why?
Well, it's kind of a waste for all of us to write our paper, don't you think?
Well, that's what Vernon wants us to do.
[Claire] True. But I think we'd all kind of say the same thing.
You just don't wanna write your paper, right?
True, but you're the smartest, right?
Well. Um... We trust you.
Yeah.
All right. I'll do it.
Great.
Come on.
Where we going? Come on.
[Claire] Don't be afraid.
Don't stick that in my eye. I'm not sticking...
Just close it. Wait a minute. Just go like... go like that.
Good. [Whimpers]
You know, you really do look better without all that black shit on your eyes.
Hey, I like that black shit.
[Claire] This looks a lot better.
Look up.
[Sighs]
Please. Why are you being so nice to me?
'Cause you're letting me.
[Door Opens]
You lost?
Thank you.
Why'd you do that?
'Cause I knew you wouldn't.
You know how you said before how your parents use you to get back at each other?
Wouldn't I be outstanding in that capacity?
Were you really disgusted about what I did with my lipstick?
Truth? Truth.
No.
What happened to you?
Why? Claire did it.
- What's wrong? - Nothing's wrong.
It's just... you're just so different, you know.
I can see your face.
Is that good or bad?
That's good.
See ya, Brian. Hey, Carl.
See ya next Saturday. You bet.
# Won't you come see about me #
#I'll be alone, dancing you know it, baby
# Tell me your troubles and doubts #
# Giving me everything inside and out and #
#Love's strange so real in the dark #
# Think of the tender things that we were working on #
#Slow change may pull us apart #
# When the light gets into your heart, baby #
#Don't you #
#Forget about me #
#Don't, don't, don't, don't #
#Don't you #
#Forget about me #
# Will you stand above me #
#Look my way but never love me #
#Rain keeps falling Rain keeps falling #
#Down, down, down #
# Will you recognize me #
# Call my name or walk on by #
#As the rain keeps falling Rain keeps falling #
#Down, down, down #
#Hey, hey, hey, hey #
# Ooh ##
[Brian's Voice] "Dear Mr. Vernon...
"We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention...
"for whatever it was we did wrong...
"but we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are.
"You see us as you wanna see us...
"in the simplest terms with the most convenient definitions.
"But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...
[Andy's Voice] "And an athlete...
[Allison's Voice] "And a basket case...
[Claire's Voice] "princess... [Bender's Voice] And a criminal.
[Brian's Voice] "Does that answer your question?
Sincerely yours, The Breakfast Club. "
#Don't, don't, don't, don't #
#Don't you #
#Forget about me #
#As you walk on by #
# Will you call my name #
#As you walk on by #
# Will you call my name #
# When you walk away #
##[New Song]
# When you walked into the room #
#I could see you were no fool #
#Is that smile a sign for me #
# Only if my heart could see #
# Will I make your body cry #
# Cry so loud you'd never hear #
#In the shadows of my life #
# Can I take you home tonight #
#Is your heart too hot to hold #
#Just a flame that burns my soul #
#Heart too hot to hold #
# Too hot, too hot too hot to hold #
#Heart too hot to hold #
#Just a flame that burns my soul #
#Heart too hot to hold #
# Too hot, too hot too hot to hold ##
##[Fades]